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Here's what he said ---> There's what they said.
”I want to be a better person and focus on myself first. I promised you I'd not be on there and I won't be after all of this stuff. I would never do that shit because I told you I wouldn't and I haven't even opened those apps in months anyway.”
- CJ
"I usually block him. He's so persistent, though. He was on here with a blank profile like... last week asking to get fucked raw". (exactly 3 days following the quote to the left)
- Someone he literally told me to ask
So why did he do it? Easy -- to manipulate how I felt about him and the amount of time and energy I gave to him and having him around. I didn't care if he used apps -- he did, he said they were destroying his self-esteem and he was doing reckless shit because of them.
For months, he did this exact thing while lying to my face and actively crying that I wouldn't believe him. And followed it with anger.
It took ten minutes to learn this was a thing. And not from only one person.
All I can think about this is "Man, Mama D---al, you raised a great son. He surely knows how to manipulate people to get what he wants".
Oh, nope! My other thoughts are -- He did it with the cops, right? I mean, really, how can he be bothered on apps that he swore he wasn't on and wouldn't be on? It's a weird damn thing to be told that by him and then to hear the exact opposite from the police. But, I guess one doesn't get twelve loads+ from Tinder, eh?
Predict the future, Journal.
It's dark.
Abusers always win with nobody questioning why other people end up the way they do. End up worse. I'm so sick of being worse off for trusting. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm radioactive to the few people still around me because they always get hurt trying to be there for me when I'm hurt.
I can't wait to see how much worse this will all be for the only people that have ever cared for me. Or how much this can fuck everything up in a life already fucked up by so much else. I'm so tired. So tired of my past trauma always being someone's new plaything. It's terrifying. It's absolutely terrifying to trust, against your better judgement, and then find out you trusted the wrong person again and again. It feels dangerous. It feels wrong. And I can't keep dealing with that feeling. And I can't keep dragging people down around me. There's one reason he directed the final conversation where he did. And that would be evil - pure and simple.
This is fucking hopeless. It's a game for everyone but me.
Justice isn't justice. None of this is fair. For all the shit it's worth.
Months of vicious, cruel, concocted bullshit to avoid confronting one's own shittiness as a person. None of it asked for.
And I'm here just because I trusted him. Just because I didn't call the cops first when he had me threatened. Just because he knew I was so scared of the cops given so many bad interactions following abusive exes in the past. Just because I didn't want him to lose what he'd worked so long for.
My brokenness is just going to make everyone else's life broken and worse for knowing me.
Why the fuck am I here?
I am so exhausted. I am just so exhausted.
So over this feeling.
And that's going to cost me so much.
I don't know how I will live with myself if anyone else ends up getting dragged for my bad luck.
I don't know how I can live period. I don't even know why I should anymore.
Welcome to my fucking journal, world.
And journal, welcome to this shit world.
This site isn't indexed, bros. You don't need to be here.
I probably don't either. But I need to write it somewhere so that I don't scream.
His Mama should Be Proud.
His Previous Record Was Only 3.
I guess this is what he torched it all for, then.
For any heteros somehow reading my unindexed journal, what this host is suggesting is that roughly twelve (but likely more) anonymous men finished 💦inside CJ without protection. WHAT A WEEKEND -- good thing his job doesn't involve sitting!
That's way more than the 5 he previously set as a weekend goal. So, what an overachiever.
Guess we know why the penicillin-G was a thing; he lied about his prolific hunger because it never made sense he'd been with only three people -- all of whom were negative for the unpleasantness he needed treated.
Hopefully he got contact info for these 12+ and can be a bit more responsible if something comes up..